What will they think of next?!?

Have you seen the latest thing?

Now you can get a MOTORCYCLE that has pedals like a bicycle, so you can pretend you're riding a bike!

They seem to be getting more popular all the time.  Some are disguised to look like a bicycle, but with really fat tubes or a giant battery-wart where the water bottle is on a regular bike.  Others make no pretense - they just look like some kind of lightweight motorcycle, with fat little tires, etc.

Most of the "poseurs" who ride 'em aren't very good at pretending, though.  They either don't pedal at all, or they pedal 30 or 40 RPM, as they roll along at 20mph or so.  And they look just as cool as a cucumber.  Pretty obvious that they're not supplying any propulsion.

The weather's starting to turn, and I'm betting most of the motorbicycle poseurs are even more "fair weather" than the casual cyclists.  Time to hang 'em up for the season.  Can't be uncomfortable, after all...

Am I toxic?

The Social Justice Activists have moved onto another defect that pervades our society - Toxic Masculinity.  I don't watch much TV, but apparently Gillette - the razor blade people - even have a commercial chastising the 50% of humanity who can grow a beard.  For being men.  (Admittedly I don't know the details, but the men who are confident about being men share some of the blame for the abusers and wife beaters?)  (Dang it, why didn't I take some psychology classes, so I'd understand all this stuff?!!)

Now I can't help but wonder... do I ride a bike (and with a beard, several months of the year) because I suffer from TMS?

I gotta confess - riding a bike instills in me a sense of superiority over the weak-and-infirm people who choose a lesser form of transportation.  But I try REALLY HARD to contain that feeling in my brain, and not point out the feebleness of the others.  (I'm sure they're painfully aware of it - why point out the obvious?)

Maybe I should change my moniker to Bike Neanderthal.

Well... if I'm a carrier of TMS, at least I don't have it as bad as those poor slobs who spend $50,000 on an F350 Super Duty, and then add $15,000 worth of masculine bling to it!!

(nudge-nudge, wink-wink)

"Spin" classes - not diverse enough!

Washington Post style reporter Lavanya Ramanathan has noticed that "spinning" class participants are predominantly young, thin, and white.  Yet one more cause for the Social Justice Warriors!  (Her opinion piece can be read HERE.)

I've never been in a spinning class in my life, nor do I understand the appeal.  But I will add a couple of my own personal observations to Lavanya's ...

The girl in those "Peloton" commercials on TV is young and thin! ... Now that I think about it, the majority of (on-the-street) bicycle riders I see in Boise are relatively young... and relatively thin... and most are white.  I always assumed it kinda reflected the demographics of the people who live in the area, and are interested in bicycling.  But maybe more should be done to make it more diverse!

Hey!  And ya know... now that I think about it... when you watch a big-time bicycle race, like, say, the Tour de France... the racers are predominantly young, thin, and white!  What the?!!?

But... before I get too bent out of shape... I think back on last weekend, when I probably watched 10 or more hours of top-level NCAA college basketball.  And in that field of endeavor, the tables were turned!  There are fewer white guys playing college basketball, than there are black guys (and gals) in spinning classes, I'm guessing.  (Granted, us fatties were NOT very well represented, in any skin tone.)

Hockey ... football ... track and field ... marathon running ... volleyball ... polo ... synchronized swimming ... the list goes on and on.  Some seem to attract a more homogenous mix of participants, and some are quite diverse.  Should quotas be imposed or enforced, just for the sake of diversity?

(For the record... there's not a whole lot I can do about being white.  It's the skin I was born with.  BUT - I'm doing my best to skew the participation percentages to OLDER and FATTER!)

Hydrocarbon fury

There's no denying that image is a huge factor in vehicle selection. We fork over big bucks for a ride that will not only get us and our stuff from Point A to Point B, but will also make a statement about the person behind the wheel.

Take this pickup, for example. Shiny red paint! Overt display of patriotism! Oversized rubber! And... check out that exhaust pipe! It's so big that you could store your CD collection in there! It must take quite the man, to even handle all that barely-contained raging fury when the gas pedal is punched!

Hey! Wait just one minute!

Upon closer inspection... that huge exhaust pipe is just pretend! It's just bolted on the end of a much more conventional-sized exhaust pipe.

I'm no internal-combustion engineer... but it seems to me that this giant chrome exhaust tip wouldn't add even a single horse power! Am I wrong? I invite expert opinions that might clarify my misunderstanding, if there is one.

Is this exhaust tip the vehicular equivalent of sticking a cucumber down your tight britches?

(nudge-nudge... wink-wink)

Bigger vehicle = superior rage

In almost every way, I consider my bicycle to be the superior form of local transportation, when all I need to move is myself and my sack lunch.  However, from time to time, I get to witness an area in which motor vehicles are superior.

The lingering snow and ice has resulted in my needing to "take the lane" more often than I would, in better circumstances.  I don't think it's a problem for most motorists... if there's more than one lane in the same direction, they can just cautiously move over to the next lane and go on by.  On a 2-lane, 2-way street, traffic is rarely so heavy that I delay them for longer than 5 or 10 seconds, if at all.  (I'm happy that I don't delay very many people - that would never be something I'd do intentionally or without good reason.)

I occasionally get a chuckle out of the response, every now and then, when an impatient motorist feels he's been delayed and wants me to know of the huge inconvenience I've caused.

A couple weeks ago, I was behind a couple cars at a red light... waiting for my turn to make a right turn (onto a less-crowded roadway).  A guy in a big pickup waited behind me.  The light turned green; I proceeded... never more than a car's length behind the car in front of me.  When I got to the intersection, I turned.  The pickup guy surged forward with a huge roar - I'm sure he floored it!  He probably sent an extra pint of gas into his carburetor, as he blasted forward to fill that car length that I'd been occupying.  So very impressive!  He showed me!  (And I was jealous!  On a bicycle, I have no equivalent way to express my impatience!)

A few days later, at a different intersection, I was waiting for clearance to go straight through.  Unfortunately, a guy behind me was waiting to turn.  (Just as he would've been, if I'd been in a car instead of on a bicycle.)  Finally - a break in the traffic.  I rolled on through.  The little rice-burner revved mightily, and I could hear his tires spinning, trying to grab the slippery pavement.  Fast AND furious!  But sadly, it sounded like an over-revving sewing machine or blender, compared with the brutal snarl of the earlier pickup truck!  Pitiful!  (But better than a bicycle, I guess.  haha!)

Do you have an "activity tracker"?

Suddenly it's the must-have item... a little electronic gizmo you wear around your wrist, and it tracks your "activity."  (Or, have they been around for years, and I've just not been paying attention?  I've seen 'em for six months or so, and now I'm seeing 'em for Mother's Day, Grads, Father's Day, etc.  Makes you wonder how civilization went on for 5000 years or so, without activity trackers!)

They keep track of your steps, distance moved, quality of sleep (wow!), and then you download it to your smart-phone or computer, and can make charts and graphs!

Wouldn't it be a bummer if you bought an activity tracker and a month later it told you the most "activity" you engaged in was putting your activity tracker on, and pushing buttons on your smart-phone to make it work?!!  (nudge-nudge, wink-wink)

21st-century bike computer

I was probably a bike-computer "early adopter."  I bought one in 1986 - a Cateye Solar.  It was battery powered, but a solar cell supposedly provided supplemental power.  And... it was quite functional, even by the standards 25+ years later.  It didn't automatically start and stop... you had to push the button or it would just keep ticking away.  (It was always a bummer when I parked it for 2 or 3 hours and, having forgotten to turn it off, discovered that my average speed was now 0.6mph!  haha)  But - it even had the cadence function, with a separate pedal sensor.  I haven't had the cadence counter for a long time; back then it was typically 90-95.  Nowadays I bet it's dropped by 10 or so; I no longer ride in world-champion form.

I've always had good luck with Cateye computers, so I've stuck with the brand mostly.

I'm looking at the current models.  That 1986 "Solar" model cost me close to $80, as I recall.  Now the entry-level model is around 20 bucks... it's the Velo 7.  For a few bucks more, you can get the Velo 9 instead.  And as one might guess, it has 2 more functions than the 7-function Velo 7.

The two additional functions on the Velo 9?  Are you ready?
- Calorie Consumption
- Carbon Offset

Pardon me while I laugh.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Calorie consumption?  Um... how will it know?  (Unless it has a human-USB interface or something.)  Calorie consumption is dependent not only on speed, but on slope, terrain, head- or tailwind.  It's also dependent on the rider's weight, metabolism, etc.  Example... if I'm riding up the Kristin Armstrong Road (a fairly steep paved road) at 10mph, I bet I'm burning more calories than Kristin Armstrong does, when she's riding down at 30mph.

Carbon offset?  I better not even get started on that one!  Is the baseline my wife's Family Truckster, or Algore's private jet?  If I pedal even harder, will it save an iceberg?

I think I can pass on those two extra functions.  If somebody reads this and has experience with the Velo 9, I'd love a "counterpoint" explanation of the value and accuracy of those bells and whistles... please share!

A final note about the Kristin Armstrong Road... it's the bottom half of the road to Bogus Basin.  I rode to Bogus... once.  Ten years ago, on July 4th, in the morning.  My average speed was nowhere near 10mph... in fact on the bottom half, it was maybe half that.  By the time I got halfway up, I was near tears I was so tired... didn't know if I could make it.  I stopped and rested... and discovered that the top half levels off considerably.  It was far easier.  Kristin can probably ride up as fast as I ride down!  And she probably weighs right around half as much as me.

Dashboard enlightenment

I came up behind a car a couple mornings ago, that had the "smart phone" (quote/unquote) mounted on the dashboard, in roughly this fashion...

Right there where the driver will be constantly tempted to stare at it.  (Like they do when they're lurching about, eating, using the potty, walking the dog, bicycling, worshiping, and pretty much everything else.)

Probably has some sort of hands-free technology, that gives owners/operators the false sense that it's safe.  In reality, studies consistently support the theory that, hands-full or hands-free, conversing via cellphone has roughly the same effect on driving ability as being legally substance-impaired.

Speaking of worshiping, sometimes I long for the days when car dashboards were more likely to be adorned in this fashion...

Owning the road

In most places in the USA, cyclists "have all of the rights and all of the duties applicable to the driver of any other vehicle" with few exceptions.  (Idaho statute)

(Obviously, it has to be acknowledged that the laws of physics trump the laws of the state... if your choice of riding location exposes you to irrational danger, being legal may not be much comfort if you're lying in the hospital or morgue.)

Some roadway users refuse to accept that cyclists have a right to be there.  And others - particularly, it seems, drivers of giant pickup trucks - seem to believe that the right to use the road is proportional to the size of the vehicle being operated.  This is obviously something that I often observe - read HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE.

If they ever changed the rules of the road, so that the driver of the big vehicle has priority over the driver of the smaller vehicle, I will start driving one of these...

(Spotted in a neighborhood I occasionally drive through.)

Why you should never bike to work

A fella named Brendan Leonard has written a witty column... read it HERE.

Mostly he's poking fun at the lame excuses that are often heard, for why people don't.

Snippets:

9. It's too dangerous.
"The absolute best thing is to stay in... your car, because no one's ever been killed when they're inside an automobile."

8. You have to wear a tie to work. Or a suit. Or a skirt.

7. You have to go to the gym after/before work.

6. You can't show up all sweaty and smelly for your job.
"Your co-workers will be all, 'Bob, what the hell did you do, bike to work today? It smells like somebody's gutting a week-old deer carcass in your cubicle.'"

5. You don't have the right bike for it.
"The only bike you own are your Trek Madone, and your single-speed 29er, neither of which will work. You'd have to go out and buy a dedicated commuting bike..."

4. You can't be wearing a bike helmet and messing up your hair before work.

3. The route from your home to your office would be suicide on a bike.

2. What if it rains?
"Thanks to umbrellas, sprinting from your car to your office, and sometimes holding a newspaper above your head, you haven't gotten wet outside of your shower since 2007."

1. You would have to change your routine.
"Please. Give up your 45-minute drive into work, the drive that energizes you for the day ahead? Give up interacting with all those other fun, friendly, courteous drivers on the freeway? Sitting in traffic? Road construction? Merging? Not a chance."

Zombies on Bikes!

The festivity-minded folks in Key West, Florida, have a pretty cool Halloween-time tradition - a Zombie Bike Ride. (All zombies can lurch about, but I'm guessing only the more graceful and balanced zombies can propel a bike forward.)

All of these people dressed for the occasion! Except for the smart-phone zombie girl in the foreground. Or at least I know I see smart-phone zombies lurching about every day... mostly on foot but sometimes on a bike.

Cycling and politics

As much as I detest partisan politics, it's almost impossible to ignore the polarization that seems to have saturated our society. A couple years ago, I commented that "some folks see everything through their political glasses. They see the people who lean the other way, politically, as the source of all the world's ills."

The recent introduction of CitiBike, the bike sharing program in New York City, has got the political talking heads all riled up. In particular, some of the conservative-leaning political minds (who have little knowledge of, or interest in, transportation cycling) have attacked the program.

An obviously-clever fella named Dan Amira has prepared a diagram that can be seen HERE, and explains "why conservatives hate CitiBike so much." I believe it's intended to be humorous - at least I found it so.

It boils down to this:
- CitiBike is embraced by Mayor Bloomberg, a well-known billionaire nanny.
- It's healthy, and while conservatives don't resent health, they hate being told to be healthy.
- It's sharing, and conservatives hate sharing.
- It's good for the environment ... if Algore is for it, conservatives are against it!
- And finally, it seems vaguely French. Hahaha!

My conservative response? (Personally, I lean pretty conservative on political matters, and view bike transportation as embracing self-reliance, which is definitely a conservative virtue.)
- Yeah, Bloomberg is a meddling nanny. But everybody has a good idea from time to time... even a broken clock is right twice a day!
- A healthy population will be less in need of Obamacare.
- Yeah, it's "sharing." But - it's not directly supported with taxpayer dollars, but rather by corporations and the people who actually use it. And that's a good, conservative thing!
- Environment? Yeah, a bike-share might have a very minor positive impact on the environment. (Rental bikes pollute less than rental cars or taxis, no?) But I'm scornful of any conservative who doesn't do his best to minimize his impact on the environment. I learned as a young Boy Scout that it's always best to "leave no trace."
- French? Sure, conservatives hate the French! But don't liberals hate the French, too? The French hate us, regardless of our political leanings! Ha!

Celebrity awseomeness on a bike

The other day, I commented about Alec Baldwin's irresponsible riding style, and how he sets a bad example for his legions of adoring fans.

In stark contrast... I believe this fella was once a celebrity, too.

Check it out... he's not yappin' on his cellphone or riding down the wrong side of the street. In fact, he's obviously safety-conscious, since it looks like he's wearing Levis 501s tucked into his dapper Wellington boots. And I assume he's in the process of signing an autograph for one of his fans.

Thank ya. Thank ya verruh much.

(One has to wonder... does the kid in the photo keep a copy to show his friends his "brush with greatness"? Or better yet... maybe he had his head bronzed while the ballpoint-pen impression still lingered in his scalp.)

What bugs you about Spokane bicyclists?

A writer named Paul Turner, at the Spokane Spokesman-Review, puts together a blog called "The Slice." I check it out regularly - it's good stuff for an attention-deficit guy like me.

Today's question is about cyclists. (See title above.) Mr. Turner doesn't regularly write about cyclists, but I'd say he gets it! Perhaps he rides himself.

Here are his multiple-choice answers - enjoy!

A) I don't like people who have made choices that are not identical to my own.
B) They get in my way on the road.
C) Some are erratic.
D) The costumes.
E) Many of them seem reasonably fit and I am not.
F) A city exists to serve the drivers of automobiles and they don't seem to understand that.
G) They don't fight back with adequate vigor when a cyclist-hater makes the ludicrous assertion that bicyclists don't pay taxes.
H) Unlike those behind the wheel of cars, they don't always obey the law.
I) I suspect some of them don't have sullen children and crushing mortgages.
J) It bugs me when I'm in my car and I inappropriately stop to unnecessarily yield the right of way and the guy on the bike acts like I've simply confused everything. Well, excuuuuuuse me.
K) I just know that at least half of the ones illegally riding on sidewalks downtown are named in outstanding warrants.
L) They're always whining about having their bikes stolen.
M) Some who ride in the dark don't have lights.
N) I suspect many of them do not vote for candidates of whom I would approve.
O) Bikes on city streets? Isn't that the sort of insanity you would encounter in Seattle or Portland?
P) I don't approve of the Idaho stop law.
Q) Those helmets — it's like they don't trust me and my fellow car drivers.
R) I'm sorry, but I just don't like seeing butts ahead of me in traffic.
S) I don't enjoy being reminded that I get zero exercise.
T) Those people who ride their bikes to work? They're all doping.
U) They want special rights.
V) Letting them use the roads robs me of my freedom.
W) Bikes are for children.
X) They are so smug. They pronounce “France” as if it's “Frahns.”
Y) A cyclist will ask what bugs you about bike riders and then offer multiple-choice answers largely designed to make cyclist-haters seem like uninformed, reactionary pinheads.
Z) Other.

Alternative Transportation

I don't s'pose ANYBODY would ride a bicycle or drive a car if they could get ahold of one of these: